What a 13-Year-Old Taught Me About Motivation, Punishment, and the Brain
Years ago, I worked in a residential facility supporting teens with both intellectual disabilities and mental health diagnoses. These were students who had been through complex trauma, had unique learning profiles, and needed more than just structure—they needed to be seen.
One student in particular has stayed with me for decades. She was about 13 when we met.
The Girl Who Wanted to Be Sent to Her Room
This young woman had been born to a drug-addicted mother and removed from her care shortly after birth. She lived for a while with her maternal aunt, but eventually that arrangement fell apart. Now she was with us—bright in many ways, though technically cognitively impaired, and deeply misunderstood by the world around her.
When she became dysregulated, she might shout, throw things, or lash out verbally. We used a positive reinforcement model in our setting at the time. We were trained to ignore negative behavior and redirect toward more appropriate choices.
But one day, in the middle of a challenging moment, she looked straight at me and said something I will never forget:
“Crista, I don’t understand why you’re not just sending me to my room. I’m being bad. That’s what happens to bad kids.”
And she meant it.
The Meaning Behind the Behavior
In that moment, I realized this wasn’t about punishment—it was about connection.
She had absorbed from TV, from early life experiences, and from what she thought was normal that punishment was the way adults showed care. “Sending a kid to their room” was a kind of predictable pattern. It meant someone noticed. It meant someone was watching.
In our efforts to be positive, we had created confusion. Not because the approach was wrong—but because it wasn’t aligned with her brain and her story.
What I Didn’t Know Then—but Teach Now
At the time, I wasn’t yet trained in executive function. I didn’t understand how behavior, motivation, and emotional regulation are all executive functions—housed primarily in the prefrontal cortex. And I certainly didn’t understand the science of reward and how deeply it intersects with EF development.
But I do now.
In fact, this exact area—the connection between motivation, reward circuitry, and executive functioning—is one of the most powerful topics I teach in my training for EF coaches and educators.
🧠 Motivation isn’t about willpower. It’s about brain chemistry.
The reward system depends on the prefrontal cortex—the very same area that governs planning, regulation, decision-making, and self-awareness.
What Most People Get Wrong About Motivation
When students don’t start tasks, we often hear:
“They’re just lazy.”
“They don’t care.”
“They’re being oppositional.”
But the truth is, we’re asking them to build new neural pathways.
Just like lifting weights builds muscle over time, learning new skills (like how to plan ahead, manage emotions, or break a task into steps) requires the brain to do something it hasn’t mastered yet. That takes effort—and in the beginning, it doesn’t feel good.
Without external rewards, encouragement, or scaffolding, the brain often opts to avoid the challenge altogether.
The Coach’s Role (and the Training That Makes the Difference)
In my EF training course, we teach coaches how to:
Understand the science of motivation and reward
Support students in moments of low initiation and low follow-through
Recognize that dysregulation often masks as “lack of effort”
Build sustainable motivation systems that evolve with the student’s development
One coach recently told me:
“Learning how the brain processes reward completely changed the way I work with students. I stopped blaming motivation and started building it.”
Back to That Student…
We eventually brought in a behaviorist. We worked together to create a plan that still prioritized positive reinforcement—but also honored what she was telling us she needed. And yes, in some cases, that included allowing her to go to her room—with clear structure, safety, and support around that choice.
That small shift—paired with truly hearing her—made all the difference.
What This Means for All of Us
Whether you’re a coach, educator, tutor, therapist, or parent, understanding how the brain drives behavior changes everything.
When we stop saying “they’re not trying” and start asking “what’s happening in the brain?”—we move from blame to support.
We stop labeling.
We start teaching.
And our students grow.
Learn With Me
🎓 Want to understand motivation, reward, and executive function through the lens of neuroscience?
Our next cohort of Mastering Executive Function begins August 11.
This 30-hour training is designed for professionals who want to move beyond checklists and into brain-based support that actually works.
👉 Click here to learn more or register
🧠 Bonus: Our Executive Function Card Deck is now available for preorder!
Perfect for coaches, educators, and parents, this deck includes cards on all 10 executive functions—including the science of motivation and behavior.
